Delusions of Grandeur

I went on a search for my Ewok, Tee, this morning. He usually comes out and explores when Anakin isn't here at the Temple. He is scared to death of him. Not that that should matter, the Temple is so big he could easy not run into Ani, but you know Ewoks, better safe than sorry. I couldn't find him anywhere and I hoped he wasn't messing where he shouldn't be messing.

But of course he was. And he had help.

Master Yoda hobbles up to me in the one of the massive hallways and stops in front of me.

"In my closet your Ewok and that cat are. Get them out you must," he says.

"Yes, Master," I muttered. "I'll go get them."

Besides I always wanted to see inside Yoda's closet. Rumor is that in the back of there's a secret door that leads to Dolly Parton's house. He won't verify that, of course but Obi-Wan swears it's true.

I left Yoda and went right to his quarters. I was floored by all the Dolly holoposters and the huge doll of her by his bed. Life-sized, if you get me. Unable to help myself, I just stood there, gaping.

"Tell one you will not about what you see," Yoda said, sneaking up on me. "If a picture you take, the pressure washer you get."

Ouch!

So I went started dig around the closet when he left. No Ewok, no cat. Then I see it. A small, and I do mean small, door at the back on the bottom, opened a crack. Just big enough for me to squeeze through if I take off my belt, tabards, and tunic.

Stop that, I still had on an undershirt. Gutter minds.

Sure enough it was the secret door to infamous Dolly Parton's house. 80% of the Temple would die to know this was true. And here I was slipping through a small door in her house.

Right into a pair of western boots. I looked up, half in half out of the door.

"Well, hi! You aren't Yoda, is he ill or something?" Dolly asked me, big lashes flapping.

"No, ma'am. It would seem my Ewok and the Temple cat discovered this door. I think they are in your house," I answered. "This is your house?"

Blank stare. "You said there was a what in here, dear?"

"An Ewok."

More blank of the stare. I pulled myself out the door and stand up.

"Long story, ma'am. Yoda sent me to get them out of his closet but I think they came in here."

Even more blank stare.

"Mind if I look around?" I asked.

"Let her look you must!" A voice calls out behind me. "A mess they will leave if unfound they are!"

"Oh, Yoda! My little green love monster!" Dolly cries and runs over. She picks Yoda up his face and lathers him with kisses. Little green love monster? Geeesssssssss! By the Force! I thought I was going to be sick!

"Of course your little Jedi can look around!" she finally says with a great big, red smile.

Little Jedi? I'm short but not that short! But I say thank you and start looking around. It didn't take long to find them. In the kitchen, helping themselves in the freezer. Quickly, I rounded them up and paraded them back to the small door.

That was when Mrs. Parton begans to scream, pointing at Tee. Tee screams back and runs behind me.

She likes Yoda but an Ewok scares her to death?

Sith Hell broke lose. Tee was screaming, Dolly went up on a chair, and Gar-Gar went up my back and on to my head, hissing at the huge blond woman. Gar-Gar is not a small cat, my friends. I nearly fell over from his weight.

In the end, I got Gar-Gar off me, Tee quite, and Yoda got Dolly down from the chair and sat in her lap. I'm wishing I had never seen that. It's so wrong on so many levels.

Before I left them, which was pretty fast, I did managed to get this picture.



Cute in a odd sort of way.

I had the pleasure of meeting Lord Vader for the first time a few months ago. My presence was requested by the Dark One himself. I was told he wanted a few new publicity shots for his new "Join the Empire or Be Crushed" campaign. *gulp* Imaging my distress and concern here. I am, however, a Jedi Knight. Vader's reputation with Jedi is less than, uh, what's a good word for it? Pleasant. But who am I to say no to the Dark Lord?

I thought about it, though. Actually, I almost flew to Tatooine and hid in a cave with my Ewok, Tee.

I was ushered by Tak, Tk266 to awaiting transport that would take me to Vader's ship. During the short fight I kept eyeing Tak who was standing next to me tapping is foot.

"You told Vader about me, did you?" I asked.

"Yep," he answered.

"It's because of that picture I took of you, the one in *PlayClones*, right?"

"Yep."

I knew that picture would come back to haunt me one day.

Arriving, my first impression of the ship is that it's very large and highly overdone. Talk about over compensating! (If you get me.) Of course, I didn't say this out loud. Tak bade me to follow him down a long hallway. Two massive doors open before us and Tak waves me in.

"Don't forget to duck," Tak muttered as I passed him. Say what? "My lord, here is the Jedi you wanted to se-" he began.

Then I understood what he meant by "duck". Thank the Force I'm fast on my feet! I sidestepped as a large chair came flying our way. It slammed into Tak and sent him flying back down the hallway. I watched Tak get back to his feet, brush off his armor and storm away, muttering something about "that's going to leave a mark and he does that every darn time I walk in."

I turned my attention back to the Dark Lord who was standing on the other side of the room with his arms crossed, staring at me. I guess he was staring. It was hard to tell what was going on behind that creepy black helmet of his.

But it was the breathing that disturbed me the most. Well, disturbed isn't the right word. I wondered if I should offer him a Breathe Right Strip or something.

For the longest time, he said nothing, just stood there. I was beginning to think he fell asleep or turned himself off or something when he finally spoke.

"I usually kill Jedi when I see them," Vader said.

Nice to meet you too, I thought. Now what was I supposed to say to that? Ah, yes.

"I usually kill Sith Lords when I see them," I replied and bowed. (Anakin moment there.)

Vader marched over and stood over me. I'm only 5'4, short for a Jedi, so when I say he stood over I'm not kidding. I had to crane my neck back to look up. I think this was supposed to scare me, but it didn't. I stared him down or rather stared him up as it was.

"You have no fear of me, especially being so short. I like that, Jedi," Vader said.

"I like tall men," I answered and stepped back. "Lord Vader, I sense something familiar about you. Have we met before?"

He laughed. It must have been a long since he laughed because he started snorting like a Bantha choking. Snort, breathe, laugh, snort, breathe. To cover up the snorts, he placed a hand over the front of the mask but it only made it worse. After composing himself, he cleared his throat.

"You could say that but that is unimportant. You are here because I need publicity shots for my new campaign. Do you have a problem with that?"

"Of course not."

Vader went onto explain the he wanted very intimidating shots. Then asked me if bright lights were going to be a problem. I told him I didn't think they would be but why was he asking.

"I'm very...uh, shiny," was his answer.

"Shiny can be very intimidating, Lord Vader."

As I was snapping away with holorecorder camera, I noticed something behind him. It stopped me in my tracks.

A Sith Lord with a stuffed bear? A Mr. Snuggles looking one at that?

He noticed my interest in that bear and I found my view blocked. You know, I tried to get over to the shelf for a better look. I really did, but I never got the chance.

However, as Tak was escorting me back to the transport ship, I made an excuse to run back, thinking maybe Vader would be gone and could get a look.

Instead, I saw this:



I'm telling you that is Mr. Snuggles! Awe, Vader loves his bear! *Falls off chair!*

My Skywalker Stalking skills paid off, with help from Jinx. ;-) We got Skywalker to reslove his problems and go back to bloging! So everything should return to normal. Well, mostly. Most of his blog is gone! *Dork* What Sithly pain in my backside! Quick tempered, over reacting...

Now I have an excuse to embarrss him further...



Remember Mr. Snuggles, Ani? *snerk*

I had a conversation with Skywalker today. I told him there was just no way he was leaving me missing and he was going to finish the story or have my saber ignited place he might not like.

It's the red hair, you see? I can't help it.

Anywhoo, he had no problem with it. In fact, he had already started on the next part and was going to send it my way when done.

So the next few posts, Skywalker will be posting the rest of the Mission to Find... ME!!!!

*Happy Jedi Dance* Thank the Force you can't see that! How embarrassing!

One question, why do you slap gophers? And what's with that hat???




Note from Skywalker: I have never slapped a gopher! That isn't me! Uh, well, it might be me......Oh, yes, that is me! Never mind! *smerk* No comment on the hat.

Jaina asked me for a story about Qui-Gon. So while I'm waiting for Skywalker to save me, (Hurry up all ready!), I figured I tell everyone a story.

We all know Qui-Gon was a great man, but what a lot of people don't know is he had one heck of sense of humor and he loved to party. It was always fun to go his quarters. He was like the crazy uncle you never had, if you get me. He never turned you away.

And he had a endless supply of cookies, ice cream, and brownies.

I had a dream once that I was very cold and looking for something. I mentioned it to him. He smiled at me and told me to sit down.

"What your dream means is simple if you look hard enough at it."

I did but came up with nothing. Qui-Gon patted my hand. "You are cold and looking for something. You know Master Yoda hides the Tatooine Rocky Road ice cream in the freezer in his quarters not in the kitchen freezers."

Now how did he know I had tried to find that?

People honestly have no idea how much he put up with when it came to Obi-Wan. I remember, I was little but I remember. Anakin was a handful, still is. But Obi-Wan, he was different kind of handful.

If you think he is serious and uptight now, back then he was worse and a complete smart ass. He mouthed off a lot, which is why when Anakin does it now I can't help but crack up. Naturally, I do this when he is NOT looking.

Anyway, I can't remember what caused Qui-Gon to snap that day but I remember what he did and said. He grabbed Obi-Wan and slung him over his knee and spanked him! Hard, I might add. Obi-Wan was screaming bloody murder.

Picture it. Qui-Gon with a skinny Obi-Wan over his knee.

After it was over, Obi-Wan screamed, "What ya do that for?"

"You needed it."

"I did not!"

"Yes, you did. Your butt will remember when your head doesn't!"

Wise message. Obi-Wan should have passed that one to Anakin, but I think his backside remembered all to well, too often.

Oh, of course had Obi-wan asked I would have passed the message for him. Oh, did I say that out loud? Uh, whoops.

Like I said, Qui-Gon liked to party. He wasn't a heavy drinker he liked to dance. People think Jedi can't dance. Anakin can, Obi-Wan isn't too bad but Qui-Gon, he had no rhythm. He looked like a convulsing chicken.

I remember Master Yoda hiding his eyes a lot. Especially after everyone started doing what we call the Official Jedi Chicken Dance.

Master Yoda gave me a picture of a Goth party the Temple had once.



I don't know. Qui-Gon looks pretty cool, but Obi-Wan just scares me.