Delusions of Grandeur

Ani started his lessons a few days later. First on the curriculum was lightsaber training. He was really excited about this, itching to get his own training saber and use it. He was in my class and for the first time since he arrived, he was dead serious.

We were both very tired, washing all those dishes twice takes a long time, so it was always late when we finally got to go to bed. Ani yawned and yawned during Master Windu's three-hour lecture on saber safely.

Bla, bla, bla... On and on Master Windu goes. I swear he never shuts up once he gets going.

Finally, we got split into pairs. I got Ani, which I was thrilled about. Our lesson was simple; one of the pair would swing our blade, the other block, taking turns. Easy enough, you would think. First off, I stood back a good 4 feet from Ani because I knew he was going ignite his blade in my face again. Sure enough, it came to life close enough to burn my nose hair. He started laughing and I knew he done on purpose. I told him to "Bite me!".

Never tell Ani to do that, he'll do it every time. Ani bites like a greedy Hutt snatching credits. OUCH!

We began. I went first, swinging, he blocked. He swung, too hard, and I blocked. Back and forth without a problem. After a while, he did all the swinging and I ended backing up to the wall because he was coming at me so fast. But I managed to reverse it on him and back him up.

Our blades locked, and we tried to push each other with them. My arms got really tired. So I sidestepped and cut off my saber. Ani went flying forward into the wall. He smacked the wall hard, face first and landed on his backside, dropping his lit saber.

Training sabers are supposed to cut off. This one didn't, however. The carpet caught on fire, and spread amazingly fast. What a mess! The sprinklers came on, and we all made a mad dash for the doors. I slipped and ended up sliding out of the room on my tush!

Master Windu wasn't amused. I thought we were done for. It was an accident, really. I didn't mean to send him into the wall and drop his weapon. And I don't think he meant to set the floor on fire. Even if Ani did think it was pretty darn funny.

And it was. I can still see his face smack the wall. Still makes me giggle.

Thank the stars; Master Windu understood it was an accident. We were sent to change clothes and go to our next class.

The next day, the Master's had all the carpets removed from the Training Rooms.

Later that day, I ran into Ani in the Temple Archives. Literally. He was coming around a shelf and we collided. Holobooks went everywhere.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"I'm hiding from Obi-Wan," he said, looking around.

"Because of the fire?"

"No."

"Then what?"

"I was in his room; he almost caught me in there. I found this." Ani reaches in to his backpack and pulls out a picture.

Ani leans over and whispers. "He still has it!" Out pops this white, tattered thing from his pack.

I thought I would die laughing. I knew Obi-Wan was strange but this was too much. I had tears, and Ani had to slap a hand over my mouth to muffle my laughter.

It was this picture that planted in me the urge to take up photography. I wanted to catch moments like this myself.



So you see, it's Ani's fault, his and Obi-Wan with his teddy bear, Pookie. Yes, Pookie!

This picture was taken by Master Qui-Gon Jinn. Stars, I miss that man, he had such a sense of humor!

Note: Ani owns a bear called Mr Snuggles. I think he got it from from Obi-Wan. He won't confirm that, but it seems like the logical place to me. As far as I know, Pookie the bear came from Qui-Gon. See the pattern here? :-P

Before I start part two, I must make a public notice of the Anakin Skywalker replying to my blog. He says I'm ruining his reputation and that he doesn't wear Ewok boxer shorts. Friends for years and now I'm ruining his rep? Where's the love, I ask you? I'm not ruining his rep and he DOES wear Ewok boxers! Do I have to prove that? Oh, yea, he says he's planning revenge. Nice, dude! My feelings are hurt.

Now on to the story. Continued from where Part One ends.

Master Obi-Wan was waiting for us the Dining Hall. Apparently, he'd been waiting for some time. And he did not look too happy. We looked up at him with amused expressions. He had orange Cheeto dust on his chin. I knew Ani was about to point that out. I tried to stop him, but I wasn't fast enough.

"Uh, Master, you have something on your chin," he said. "Something orange." Oh no, here it comes, I thought.

"I do not," Obi-Wan replied.

"But, I see it!" Ani pointed to a large chunk of orange. "Right there!"

"Anakin, you must never point out things like that to your Master. It's disrespectful!"

Ani's mouth fell open. "But what if it's a booger?"

"ANAKIN!"

"Sorry, Master," Ani said, rolling his eyes at me.

Good thing Obi-Wan didn't see him do that. That would've been a completely different kind of lecture. I saw this conversation as the start of a beautiful friendship between Master and apprentice. (Note the sarcasm)

"Captain Tightie Whities," Ani whispered to me as we followed Obi-Wan in the hall.

Stars, that was too funny! I almost peed my pants! It got funnier. As we passed Master Yoda, he told Obi-Wan to wipe his chin! And he did, without a word!

*Snort*

At dinner, Ani joined me and a few of my friends. Obi-Wan watched him like mother bird, but every time he looked away, Ani flicked a pea at me. I shot one right back. It started gradually. Peas across the table, then a glob of potato, and so on. When Ani jumped up and whipped a piece of pie at my head, it was on!

Have you ever seen a 150 younglings and Padawans food fight using the Force? It's a bloody mess! But, man, is it fun!

Everyone got in on it. Food went everywhere, on everything! Some of the Master's jumped from their seats, trying to get out of the way, others tried to stop us, but it was all in vain.
It didn't last too long. Master Yoda jumped on the table, raised his hand and all the food froze in the air.

Thing is, Yoda's trick didn't stop Ani's other piece of pie. It went flying... right into Master Yoda's face! Everyone got extra lightsaber practice for a week. As for Anakin and me, we got kitchen detail for two weeks!

"Wash every dish you will, twice!" That's a lot of dishes, I tell you!

Not a good way to start off your career as Jedi Knight, if you ask me.

End of part two.

See that look? He was looking at me, right before the pie.

I get asked a lot, how did you met Anakin and how did you become friends, how and why do you stalk him? It's really a funny story. So I'll tell you. Grab some popcorn and a space Pepsi and enjoy.

When I met Anakin Skywalker, he was nine. I was the same age. Just arrived at the Temple to start his training, he looked like a fish out of water. But he was cute and that got my attention. Master Obi-Wan requested that I show him around and help him get settled in, seeing how I had nothing else to do.

"Take your time," Obi-Wan told me in a low voice. "I have to meet with the Counsel. Keep an eye on him for me, Kriss."

We watched Obi-Wan walk away and then Ani turns to look at me and says, "Is he always so up-tight like a Bantha's backside?"

Not what I was expecting him to say. But I managed to nod. "Always. All of the Masters are like that."

Ani crossed his arms. "Oh, this is going to be fun then."

"If you think he's up tight, wait till you have a one on one with Master Yoda," I told him.

A twinkle came his eyes. "The green riddle monkey? Too late."

I completely lost it then. I doubled up laughing, with tears, covering my mouth. There is just something about a cute smart a$$ I like. I knew it right then, that we were going to be very good friends. He did too, I think, because he smiled.

"Call me Ani," he says, shaking my hand.

You see, he spoke normal back then.

With a bit of effort, I got myself under control again. "How much of the Temple have you seen?"

"The front doors, one hallway, a turbolift, and another hallway, the Counsel Chambers," Ani answers. "And here. Uh, where are we anyway?"

"The Great Hall."

"Why is everyone whispering?" he asked.

I waved my hand. "Because the hall is large, if you don't it echoes."

"Oh, really now?" Ani replied. "WHOOOOHOOOOOO!"

The echo of it reverberated around the room bouncing of the walls like a thunderous boom. It got the looks of everyone in the hall. No one had the nerve to yell in here, but always wanted too. Myself included.

"Sweet!" Ani said. "We could have a seriously cool game of Marko Polo in here!"

I grabbed his arm and made tracks out of there before one of Masters got a hold of us. I was giggling so hard my feet didn't want to work right. I pulled him out in to the nearest hallway, almost falling over.

"Another hallway!" he muttered. "Okay, where is the exciting stuff around here?"

So began I the grand tour, classrooms, and training rooms, the hanger bay. Ani didn't care too much for the classrooms, but the training rooms, he was very interested in those. There was a gleam in his eyes as he watched Padawans practice.

"Can I see your lightsaber?" he asked.

"Sure," I replied and handed to him. He tilted to his right, in my direction, his thumb over the switch. I should have sensed it, but I didn't. The next thing I see is the flash of blue as the blade came to life. Right in my face! I nearly jumped out of my skin. White spots danced in front of my eyes but I managed to push his hand and the hilt away.

"Opps, sorry! You have a lose switch on this thing."

I knew that. At that age, I dropped the saber a lot, usually on my feet. That was why the switch was lose. I'm really lucky, even with the power turned down, that I still had toes. I didn't want to look like a dork so I declined mentioning that.

"You almost took off my eyebrows," I said calmly. "You're supposed to ignite your blade away from people's faces."

He looked thoughtful for a moment, and handed it back to me. "Yeah, well, that's a good idea."

I continued the tour.

Above the hanger bay we found observation window. Ani climbs up on the ledge so he could look at all the ships docked. He was kind of short for a boy and it wasn't easy for him to get up there. But he did, and somehow, without falling off, pulled up me there with him.

There was a loud rustle when I sat down.

"What was that?" he asked.

I reached in my robes. "I sat on my cookies. Want some?"

"Sure. The Master's actually let you have cookies?"

I handed over the bag of chocolate chip cookies. "Let us? We have a storeroom filled with cookies! Jedi Knights love cookies."

"Cookies," he says.

"Yeah. Obi-Wan didn't tell you about that?"

"Uh, no."

I smiled. "Ask him about peanut butter cookies sometime. Oh, and Qui-Gon's brownies. Yum."

Ani stuffed two in his mouth. "These are pretty good," he declares. More of a mumble, but I understood. Let me tell you, those cookies are good. The best you'll ever eat. If you get a Jedi to share, that is.

"Master's don't want a bunch of younglings hyped up on sugar, so the cookies are made with a sugar substitute. You'd never know unless someone told you and I just did, so now you know."

Dayum that sounded dumb! Ani must have thought it was pretty funny cause I received a shower of cookie crumbs when he giggled. Still, to this every day, never make him laugh with cookies in his mouth. You will wear the results.

For hours we sat, talking. I learned about his mother, pod racing, the battle of Naboo. Ani is quite the storyteller. I think he might have embellished some of it, but I never bothered to find out.

"You're pretty wizard for a girl," he finally tells me.

"Thanks, I think."

"Want to hear a secret?"

Of course, I did. So I nodded and he leaned over real close.

"I have a girlfriend."

Say what? My eyes bulging, I poked his arm. "Fibber! You do not!"

"I do. Well, sort of. I like her, a lot, and I think she likes me too." A smile. "She's fourteen."

I almost choked. "You like older women?"

"I like this one. I'm going to marry her someday." Yeah, right, I thought. We all know how that turned out. Lucky girl.

Ani was drooling. Okay, not literally drooling. That would have be very gross with a mouthful of cookies. But you could just tell the idea was appealing to him.

It was starting to get dark outside and cookies are poor substitute for a hot meal. We left the hanger and wandered back to the Great Hall. It was almost dinner time.

End of part one...

This picture was took that first day. Isn't he funny?



*Note to reader from Anakin* Yo, s'up? Ani here. I never spewed no mauled up cookies on Kriss. Dat's just rude! And furthermore, I do not spew if you make me laugh either! Why you gots to diss me like dat, woman, showing dat pic?! Dayum! BTW, I'm stil going to get you for that previous post an spit!

I don't have to attend thses classes, but I like to sit in on them once in while just to see what Ani might say or do. He loathes these classes. They really are boring, and not very useful.

Master Windu singled out Ani once again. He does this alot, which is one of the reasons Ani hates them so much.

He wanted Anakin to do a artist rendition of what Ani saw in the mirror when he was angery.

Reluctantly, Anakin did. He called his art work Annoyance (And you could tell he was hightly annoyed at this point.)



"That is what you see?" Mace gasps."You see yourself rolling your eyes?"

Master Windu shakes his head and looks around. He sees me and asks me to a artist rendition of what I see when Anakin is mad.

Oh, why me? I'm not supposed to be in here anyway!

"Come on! Let's see it!" he demands.

Right about at that point, Ani starts to look really mad. Not at me but Mace. (Thank the stars!)

This was too easy.

It takes me about ten mintutes or so.

"Now that's more like it!" Mace says, holding the datapad up to Ani's face.

Ani turned green, greener than Master Yoda, then a unflattering color of red when he saw it.

"KRISS!" he screamed and charged over the desks.

I thought I was dead.

Suddenly, I'm in headlock and being poked. Hard!

"You show that to anyone and I'll beat ya & spit!" he tells me with a whisper.



Ha! That'a what you get, Skywalker, for bruising my ribs!

I'm going to go hide now.

It's has been a slow day so I thought I might answer a few questions emailed to me. The names have been omitted to protect the submitters. Enjoy!

Do you have an imaginary friend?
No, he's real.

Can I stalk you?
Sure, why not?

Of all the Jedi, who has got the hottest speeder/starfighter?
Anakin

Oddest Sense Of Humor?
That would be Anakin, too. And me, obviously.

Have you ever had to get a prescription medicine for a bad case of the hiccups?
Not this year.

Ever drop a mouse and say, "Here Kitty, Kitty" to Gar Gar?
HA! No, but Anakin did once. What was a mess, I tell you! He was 11 years old at the time. I thought Master Obi-Wan was going to blow chunks.

Is it true Jedi have a obsession for cookies?
Yes, they do! Never flash a bag of cookies in front of Jedi; you'll cause a riot!

If you found out your Father was a Sith Lord what you do?
Why do you ask, do you know something I should know?

Is true that Obi-Wan is a closet nerd?
If you mean, does he read Popular Science with bifocal glasses on, then yes.

Have you ever used the Force in a unJedi like way?
I admit, I have. I tripped Master Yoda once. He was most displeased. I like to Force Flick Anakin on the head when he's mad and run like hell. Been lucky so far, he hasn't caught me!

Where the hell did the cheese go?
Master Windu ate it, naturally.

How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?
Ask Master Yoda, he knows.

Well, there you go. A few of the oddest questions answered.

Master Yoda sent for me yesterday afternoon, he had a task for me.

"Enjoy this you will," Master Yoda tells me. Find Skywalker. "His turn in the kitchens it is. Whomp Rat casserole he will make us."

Oh, gees, is that what we had last time Ani cooked?

Apparently, after my photo session with Anakin, he disappeared from the Temple. No one, not even Obi-Wan, knew his location. So my skills of stalking- tracking were needed.

I honestly thought he was with a certain Senator, but he wasn't. In fact, she hasn't seen Ani in a few days. That surprised me. We know how Ani is about- Well, you know.

He is too easy to track. I simply followed the trail of corpses- I mean, followed the clues to a seedy disco nightspot in the under belly of the city. To be honest, I wasn't too sure I wanted to go in there.

But I did anyway.

If I ever have to back again, I'll put my lightsaber to my forehead and flip the switch! Oh, the horrors of polyester and platform shoes, and the bright colors that makes you sick!

Why was Ani in here?

I soon found out.

So will you.

All I could do was stare.



(Note: I didn't make this picture. The credits are on it. Where it came from, I have no idea.)

Kriss has died and has become one with the Force. Just kidding, sort of.

My photo session with Anakin was very successful. Ani is a very good model; just another of his many talents.

We tried different looks and poses, and these are his favorite shots. Mine too.

Guys! Cover your eyes!

Ladies! Grab a towel!



Very nice...



Even better...



The jackpot of nummy!

Me thinks the fan club will be very happy.

I know I am.

SHOO, I'm beat. How you like it? Took me four hours and I still don't know if I like it or not. I will do for now, me guess. Got a Padawan working on a differnt one for me. Thanks, Lysandra!

As for what's going on around the Temple. Anakin came to me today and told me wanted to take a few promo shots of him. Of course I said yes, but I had to ask what they were for. "For the club," he tells me. "Cause they want see me and spit."

Awe, isn't Ani the greatest?

But then he tell me he wants to do them shirtless. Stars! I nearly dropped my lit lightsaber on my feet!

Oh yeah, we want to see him alright.

So tonight my dream comes true again. I-Uh-I mean for the first time. Stay posted, you know, I have to post them.

I went digging in my pictures to see if I could find any of Anakin actually smiling. Most people think he is never does. So wrong you are. I swear it's true; he does smile.

But before I show you, I'll let you in on a secret. Ani walks around looking like a brooding Bantha all the time on purpose. He thinks he wouldn't make much of a hero if he smiled. True, Ani has a lot going on, so that makes it easier, but if you catch him just right, he'll flash one.

I took this first one at a Padawan party. What a wild night that was! (No details, sorry! Nope, don't even ask! Heehee)



Did I mention Anakin likes chocolate ice cream? Yum. Me too.

This next one... Well, Ani did Obi-Wan's laundry. Big mistake, as you will see.



Poor Obi-Wan not happy that he had to wear this all day. All his other robes were shredded. (Anakin did that too, same load.) You see how funny Ani thought this was.

I think Obi-Wan looks kinda hot in pink.

I'm done helping my alter ego move her stuff. Thank the stars! What a blasted mess this week has been.

R2-D2, while moving the vacuum cleaner, rolled over their cat's tail. That cat went after R2 and used him for a scratching post! It's funny; both of them sound a lot alike when they screech.

Jar Jar dropped a box of books my toes and sprained one of them. By the Force, it hurt! Have to say, I almost pulled an Anakin on him.

Speaking of Anakin. I think him and Obi-Wan were hitting the sauce before they helped us. Somehow I kept ending up target practice for boxes of clothes. Force push boxes of the clothes across the floor, you’re bound to knock a gal down.

I had shins and backside.

And the horror of a week with no HoloNet! Need I mention the madness of that? And when I get back on, what do I read?

Anakin Skywalker helps a friend move. No one was slaughtered.

Humph! Does bruises and cuts count? Cause, I got those.

My Ewok, Tee, got a hold of my lightsaber. Gosh, I'm sorry about the scorch marks on the walls. He likes to play with it. His purple glowing stick it is.

Still, through the madness, I did catch this:



Like I said, someone hit the sause.

Shoo! Helping my alter ego move is killing me! Her and her fiance have more junk than Watto! I thought his shop was a mess of crap. HA, I know nothing.

I hurt in places I didn't know I had. As a Jedi Knight, I'm supposed to be saving the Galaxy, not moving people, right?

Anyhoo, she needed more help than just me. You try lifting boxes with the Force for nine hours and you really want some "Man Power".

We ended up with "Gungan Power"

Jar-Jar and his buddies came to help. All I can say is, I hope she likes unpacking broken glass. ECK! What a mess!

And not to mention, her box of Anakin Skywalker action figures... Someone put a computer monitor on top of it. (Can we say, Dark Side Frenzy?)

Not pretty.

Lucky, no action figures were harmed during this random act of stupidness. I can't say the idiot that done it feels to good right now, cause they don't.

To sum up, I may be missing for a few days, but the Skywalker Stalker will return very soon and the madness that is my life will resume. Feel free to email me with requests, leave a comment.

Oh, and while I gone, someone please keep Master Obi-Wan out of my powdered donuts!